If there was just one
by dharmadown
Summary: Tegan and Sara reconciles with an old friend, and hidden feelings and secrets of the past start to resurface. She's trouble and they know it, but this is far more than just them fighting for her affection, as they soon find themselves protecting her from the same danger that almost cost her her life. No quincest, just pure sisterly love... and rivalry. (fic written in 2013)
1. Downtown

When you lose communication with a friend, or anyone you've had a special connection with during your younger years, two things are bound to happen; either you completely lose them for good, or you reconnect with them, only to figure out that you've missed so much good memories.

When I've decided to move away, and by away, I mean almost 3,000 miles away from New York to California; all I had with me then was the hope that I'd forget the pain of the past and move on. Luckily for the past 4 years, I've done a great job at hiding, and staying away from the "scene". I've met new people, pursued a profession for my passion in film making and graphic design, and was fairly known, despite having to "hide" from most people I used to call friends, cause by some miracle, I haven't come across anyone from that circle.

Today as I was pulling up at my driveway, I saw a car, on a hazard just right in front of my lawn; worried that this might be an intruder, I quickly parked, and picked up the gun under my seat, cocked it and carefully left my car as I walk as quickly as I could to my front door, with my phone ready to dial 911 just in case.

I lived in constant fear of being mugged and killed ever since I left New York; and the memories of me fighting to live after my accident back in that city have given me enough reason to be on guard all the time. I tucked my gun under my arm inside my shoulder bag, ready to pull it out any moment that someone attacks me.

The car just didn't seem familiar to me, this can be anyone—a visitor of my neighbor, for all I know.

I walked as quick as I could, and as I sped up to my door and pulled out my keys, I heard a car door slam close. I trembled as I picked the door keys and struggled to shoot it in the hole, I twisted it, pushed the door open; but just as I was about to run inside my house, a familiar voice called my name.

I paused, and slowly turned, sighing in relief as I figure out that the voice belonged to someone I know so well.

And as I see her smiling back at me, clad in her usual ensemble of ripped jeans, oversized shirt and her ever trusted chuck taylors, I almost cried.

"Emy?" I called her name back at her, as I drop my things and run to her to give her a hug.

"I can't believe I found you." Emy said, her voice breaking as mine did when I answered back.

"I can't believe you're here."

4 years. 4 damn years, and the feeling was still there.

Emy pulled away, her eyes red, and her face drenched in tears.

"Look at you, oh my God." Emy said, as she held my face, surveying it.

"you finally grew your hair." I said, chuckling as I wipe my tears dry.

"yeah!" Emy laughed; recalling how she hated how her hair grows too quickly.

"Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry!" I flinched, recalling that a proper way to welcome a guest is by letting them inside your house. "come on in!" I said as I gather my things.

"And excuse me while I kill this first." I said, reaching out for my gun as I kick the door closed.

"Woah!" Emy said, almost jumping back and throwing her hands up.

I de-cocked the gun and pulled the magazine out for safety.

"why the hell do you have that with you?!" Emy asked, relaxing as she sit on my couch.

"Long story." I said, throwing my things aside on the couch before sitting beside her.

I offered Emy drinks, and after catching up over a few bottles of beer, Emy finally admitted the real reason she was here. She told me she would be retiring from a job she had with one of our closest friends from years back- Tegan and Sara. I was surprised to hear from her after all these years, only to find out that she couldn't find anyone else fit for the job- and I thought she really missed me. IF it wasn't for call of duty she wouldn't have wasted her time trying to find me from hiding from everyone else for that long. I kept myself isolated, but I have a very good reason- I know they were mad for not hearing from me for so long, and I would understand, cause after all the help they reached out to me, I refused it all.

Emy also confessed that they felt a little upset that I had to hide like I did, and they thought that I have moved on with my life without them. But upon hearing from our common friends how much I've been through just to get to where I am now to function again normally in life, they had to put all their doubts aside.

"Sara, by some unexpected event, came across your work under your alias, and when we did further research, we found out it was you we've been considering to take the job this whole time. Sara thought it would be a good way to also reconnect with you, and… here I am."

This was a no brainer—I would have said yes the minute she offered it to me; and the moment I said yes, Emy was unstoppable- she gave me "the book", her template and plans for the art, access cards, a cellphone, my ticket and cash. Before she left, she even introduced me to Stacy- Sara's girlfriend who happened to be working for them too, who drove her here; but told me not to tell Sara about meeting her as they were not in good terms. Despite being a little thrown back by it, I just brushed it off.

And now, I'm on this plane ride to New York to finally meet them again for the first time in 4 years.

All this nervousness from seeing them again is stressing me out, and the plane ride alone was physically exhausting- not to mention that Emy didn't fly in with me cause she need to stay in California to finish some freelance work- she'll turn over in a few days, so I'm really feeling a little nervous to do this on my own.

As the plane land in LAX, I felt an unusual jolt in my gut, I wanted to back out, I wanted to go on the next flight out to Sta. Barbara and just not do it- I'm not ready. But whenever I remember how much Emy went through just to find me, I can see that this is definitely worth giving the chance.

By the time I stood to get out of the plane, I could not express how happy I was to finally stretch my legs- I swear to God I almost tore up from joy. I immediately texted Emy when I got out and told her I landed safely as I make my way to get my luggage.

Upon sorting my suitcases on the trolley, I got a call from an unknown number from the business phone Emy left for me; I answered it right away, not knowing what to say to the person on the other line, but I feel like I really need tot alk to someone cause I don't know where I should go from here.

"Hello?"

_"Jo?" _

"Yeah this is she.. " I said, sounding a little dumbfounded.

_"Oh my God, I can't believe I'm talking to you again. It's Lindsey_!" Her name alone sent me to a cringe spree. I badly missed them- all of them.

"hi Linds! I just landed, where are you?" I sounded a little too awkward trying to hide me excitement- I could cry.

"Oh good! we were expecting you, I'm here right outside, my car's on a hazzard on the other side of the drop off, I'm with Tegan. Come on out! and make it quick! we have a lot of catching up to do!" I swear I heard her shriek a little before she dropped the call.

I couldn't contain my own excitement, so I just breathed a little, shook my hands and hopped a few steps trying to shake this bitch of a nerve off.

I quickly walked out to the driveway and spotted Lindsey on the driver seat of a red sedan. The light went off and I crossed the pedestrian as quickly as I could, pushing the heavy cart and keeping it from straying my way.

"hi Jo!" Lindsey said, almost screaming as she get out of the car and welcome me. I skipped, leaving my cart at the gutter as I approach Lindsey and gave her a hug.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you're finally here! we missed you so much!" She said.

"Me too, it's so nice to see you again!" I said as I try to keep myself from hugging her to tight- I'm just so happy to see her.

and just when I thought I couldn't get more excited, I saw Tegan get out of the car. Clad in her muscle tee and her wayfarers, she swept her bangs and removed her sunnies, approaching us as I slowly let go of Lindsey.

"you son of a bitch!" She said, throwing herself at me, embracing me.

"You fucker, it's been too long!" I tried to smile from behind her, but I was so happy I couldn't contain my tears.

"I know! I've been too good at hiding!" I said as I let go of Tegan.

"Well I doubt that cause we still found you!" Tegan answered, reaching for one of my suitcases.

"Or you guys are probably just good stalkers, yeah?" Lindsey added, picking up another one.

"Yeah, I'd like think it's the latter!" I said, helping them load my tings on the trunk.

"Welcome back to New York." Tegan said, before closing the trunk and throwing an arm over my shoulder, as we get into the car.

The drive around NYC was quite a ride, I'm glad Tegan just won't shut up as it takes my mind away all the bad memories, while Lindsey was busy stirring the wheel. I haven't visited for as long as I could remember and I felt like a complete stranger to a city I used to be so familiar with. From LaGuardia, we headed upper west to Sara and Stacy's apartment; we used to be neighbors back at the Pavillion, but I guess she had to move in with her this time.

The 3 of us went to the nearby restaurant for tea and light dinner while waiting for Sara. We spent a couple more hours at the coffee shop just catching up and discussing work, until I finally remembered to call Emy, plus I've been itching for a smoke, so I excused myself from them and went outside to make the phone call and do a bit of puffing.

It's a shame that while Tegan and LB has finally stopped the habit, I'm still stuck with the nicotine rush, I felt a little embarrassed but unlike Emy, Tegan is totally just cool with it; I hope Sara is too. Emy's phone just kept on ringing until I got to her voicemail, but I dropped the call and tried again, STILL getting her voicemail. My 3rd attempt went straight to voicemail again, so I just gave in.

"..leave a message after the.. *beep*"

"wow how original. I'm with Tegan and Lindsey, they fetched me at LAG and we're just waiting for Sara. call me."

Just when I sent the message, a cab pulled over just in front of the driveway; and unexpectedly, Sara came out of the car. I quickly killed my cigarette and ran over to her.

"Jo! Oh my gosh!" Sara said as she walk towards me, greeting me with an embrace.

Whatever happened to you?!" Sara asked as she survey me as we sit with Lindsey and Tegan inside. I shrugged.

"I don't know, I guess working too hard got the best of me" I said.

Sara chuckled but shook her head. "no, what I mean is, look at you!" I was surprised of her reaction.

"why?" I asked. Sara slightly scratched her lip; a very familiar mannerism that she does whenever she couldn't find words to say; I was thinking along the lines of 'gosh, I dont know how to say this but you look awful but I dont want to offend you or you'll fuck up our album art and our book'

"you look good Jo." she said with a soft smile, and rubbed my back.

"well, now we all know that rehab actually works!" I said, in an awkward but somewhat proud stance. The 3 of them were just quiet, trying not to say anything that might offend me on this sensitive issue.

"come on guys, it's not like I'm gonna gun you down for laughing with me at my mistakes. I'm not a criminal, why the long faces?" I asked trying to break the ice.

Tegan cleared her throat. "well, we're just glad you're okay. That was a really bad time. not hearing from you for that long." she said. Tegan bowed her head and smiled to herself awkwardly.

"we thought we completely lost you." Sara added recalling what had happened 4 years ago.

I scoffed; "come on, we all get one too many sometimes." I said laughing, But they don't seem to find that joke funny.

"anyway" Sara swept her bangs. "shall we go up now?" she said gathering her back and phone. Lindsey and Tegan stood to pay the bill, while Sara led me outside.

We arrived at Sara's apartment, where we also took my luggage in; so this probably means that I'm staying at Sara's for the mean time. Sara led me to a small guest's room where there's a bed, a laptop, and another blackberry waiting for me.

"so, this is your bedroom while you're in New York, sad enough for you, you'll be staying with boring ol me, so.."

I scoffed and said, "you're still holding on to that?! it's been almost a decade!" Sara smiled

"I'm just kidding" she said, tapping my shoulder. Tegan came in as well bringing a bottle of champagne.

"you guys up for a small drink?" I sat on the bed and said "nah, I'm gonna pass."

Tegan waved, "ahh that's okay, go to bed now I'll wake you up in 4 hours."

Sara made face and said "she's not gonna let you pass believe me."

Tegan winked and left the room. Sara smiled and closed the door, but frowned as soon as she sat beside me, letting out a deep sigh. They haven't changed a bit- she's still as exhausted as she would have been from Tegan's little antics from the last time I was with them- seems only like yesterday.

"so.. it's kinda small. but you know.. it's comfy. I used to stay here when I wanna be alone. the window's got a great view of the city and the streets so.. " Sara said as she survey the room.

I stood and faced the window; "yeah it does look great. Thank you for letting me crash in."

Sara stood beside me. "don't mention it. This is going to be your home for the mean time.. so enjoy the books, the food, the wine and.. the company." Sara said, as I turn to her, catching her glance as she watch me look around.

There's just so many things I wanna talk to her about, I missed her and Tegan terribly and I couldn't express it well especially when their girlfriends are around; we've tried to avoid issues like that since Sara and Emy broke up, and we never got the chance to see or even talk to eachother. I practically avoided her and this was the first time we ever talked after I cut communications with them.

"I missed you." I blurted out.

Sara frowned. "you avoided me for 3 years, how can you not miss me?" I gave a short laugh of guilt

"yeah… well, I know you understand.. so.. I'm not gonna explain myself." I said as I turned to the door "..and with that I changed my mind about the champagne"

I left the room, leaving her there, and I can tell even without having to look back, that Sara's giving me this awful stare of disbelief; maybe of guilt or annoyance, I'll never know.

I joined Tegan, Lindsey and Jack (who just arrived), at the balcony, while Sara followed. I sat in between Tegan and Jack, and without any empty seats at the wooden couch, Sara sat in a high wooden stool across the coffee table, right in front of me. She was staring at me the whole time, until she emptied her glass, and gave it to Tegan for a refill.

"I told you she's not gonna let you pass" she said.

Tegan and I looked at eachother; she gave me a smile and I gave her an awkward grin as she pour me a glass.

"you guys okay?" Asked Tegan, looking at me and Sara.

Sara looked at her in surprise and smiled "yes, why, is there something wrong?" she asked.

Tegan smiled and shook her head, and then turned to Lindsey. I looked away from Sara, drank my champagne to the last drop and took out my personal phone and answered some messages.

After a few glasses I decided to go to Sara's couch to take a breather, but it only took me a minute to slip away to dreamland. I was knocked out, not expecting to actually sleep through, til 3 in the morning. As my sleep got interrupted, I decided to get up and go to the guest room, before realizing I was all cozied up in a blanket and a fluffy pillow; though last thing I could remember was passing out, barely even leaning on the armrest. I looked around, before getting up, and as I loosen up myself from the blanket, I noticed Sara on the other couch across the living room, dozed off, with her computer turned on, still resting on her lap.

I stood slowly, trying not to wake her up, but as soon as I dropped the blanket on the couch, Sara jerked, and finally woke up.

"I'm sorry, were you waiting on me?" I asked, as Sara look up at me and remove her laptop.

"Yeah, I didn't want to leave you here." Sara then closed her computer and placed it on the coffee table.

"uhm, tegan and Lindsey slept in your bed; I mean we were trying to wake you up but you were too deep in your sleep." Sara said, as she pick up the blanket and pillow I used.

"we can sleep in my room if you want?" she offered, carrying the pillow and blanket with her.

"oh, no… it's okay, I'm fine in the living room." I said, trying hard not to come off weirded out, despite this being an awkward conversation.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine here." I said, reassuring her.

"alright… goodnight? I'll see you in the morning.. oh and if you're hungry there's food in the kitchen, you can have anything you want in there." Sara said, putting the blanket and pillow down on the couch again.

"Okay… thank you.. goodnight!" I said, before Sara smiled back and walked to her room.

As Sara got in her room, I tried to get into the guest room to get one of my suitcases so I can change into my jammies, but the door was locked; so I had to follow Sara to her room.

I knocked, and Sara immediately answered to the door.

"hey." I greeted as she got to the door.

"Uhm… The guestroom is locked, and I'd like to change into something and brush my teeth but my stuff is inside, so…"

Sara chuckled. "oh no…" She shook her head.

"what's wrong?" I asked.

"you better change your sheets tomorrow." She said as she open her door wide. "come on in, I'll get you some clothes." I got in, as Sara opened her closet..

It didn't hit me until I sat on Sara's bed, that she meant Tegan and Lindsey is having sex in my bed.

"Oh my God." I said, palming my face.

Sara chuckled still, as she pick out some clothes; but I noticed how she frowned as she pull out the clothes she'd lend me.

"here…" Sara handed me a pair of silk rompers. "that's Stacy's, that'll fit you."

I didn't realize I was her size, maybe because she was a lot taller than me. I'd contest, but I remember being advised not to tell Sara that I saw her yesterday, so I just took it from her without a word.

"Are you okay?" I asked Sara, as she sit on the bed after I took the romper from her.

"yeah! I'm okay… I'm okay… I just… I just remembered something..." Sara excused. "there's extra towel in the linen closet in the living room and extra toothbrush in the bathroom, it's in the medicine cabinet.."

"Alright thank you… goodnight Sara…" I said before leaving.

"Goodnight…" Sara said, following me to the door as I closed it behind me.

It was a cold and gloomy tuesday morning; supposedly my favorite weather, and just lying in Sara's couch felt better than staying in that suffocating guestroom, so I was definitely taking time to rest and laze around, until I woke up to a noisy knock on the door.

I got up, and covered my freezing, almost naked body with a blanket as I walk down the door swaying side to side.

"I'll get it!" said tegan as she tapped my shoulders from behind racing me to the door.

"You may want to sleep in your room, you can't sleep in the couch looking like that with the plumber around." She added before getting the door.

"Oh." _Shit_, Tegan's right, I can't walk around Sara's apartment in her girlfriend's lingerie with an unknown man working on their pipes.

As I walked back to the couch to get my phone, Sara walked out of her room, her hair still wet, all dressed up;

"goodmorning" Sara said, looking so much better than I left her last night.

"goodmorning" I said, greeting her back as I close the gaps of the blanket over my body.

"I'm going to the coffee shop to pick up some grounds, you wanna come with?" she asked.

"I'm gonna have to pass, it takes forever for me to get made up. I said, clutching the blanket on me tighter.

"alright, but if you wanna walk around downtown, just ring me up. I'll be back in an hour" she said before heading to the door.

"I will, take care!" I said, before Sara waved and left the apartment.

Leaving me and Tegan in the apartment, I decided to get changed and help her out in the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

I took to the kitchen right after I was done, and joined her;

"sorry if we took your bed last night" Said Tegan as I sit on the bar stool while She's preparing salad.

"that's ok, I was doing fine in the couch anyway" Tegan smiled and gave me a glance.

"so where's Lindsey?" I asked her.

"photoshoot. as usual." she said as she continue tossing the salad.

"There's a hole on the tube here, it looks like a gunshot of some sort" Said the plumber from inside the bathroom.

Tegan and I looked at eachother upon hearing this;

"a gunshot?" I whispered. Tegan just jerked her shoulders. She then wiped her hands and went to the bathroom to check it. In my curiosity, I follwed her in; The plumber is kneeling in front of the sink looking at the broken drain pipe. Tegan then knelt and looked at it too.

"where the fuck did that come from?" she asked; I took a peek, and it does look like a gunshot from that far.

"can I see?" I asked. Tegan then stood and moved away, as I knelt down and traced the outlines of the hole.

"it looks like it was shot from this side." The plumber said, pointing to the bathtub; and judging by the edges of the hole, it seems like he was right.

"is it possible that some suicidal psycho took a bath here and just randomly shot a gun from the tub?" asked Tegan. I shook my head and smiled in disbelief.

"Possibly, but then again who would do that? when did you notice this anyway?" I asked.

Tegan crossed her arms "just this morning. When Sara arrived yesterday, she just flew in from Montreal then. I think she doesn't know about this yet."

I surveyed the bathroom and saw another hole on the wall going towards the streets, just adjacent to the pair of holes on the drain pipe. The plumber put his gloves on and started looking around for other holes, but instead he saw a bullet case.

"It is a fucking a gunshot" he said as he picked the case up and showed it to us.


	2. Hope a Plane

When Sara got back from her morning stroll, we showed her the pipe that the plumber removed from her bathroom sink and replaced a new one with. Sara was just shocked by what she saw and was just scarily speechless.

She even insisted on moving out of the apartment tonight but Tegan convinced her to just change her locks and secure her windows and vents. We also showed her the bullet case that the plumber saw from under the tub, but that just gave Sara more creeps. We couldn't get Sara to get out of her room all day, and we never got the chance to talk to her about it and ask about who might have broken in the apartment.

She just stayed inside her room, and not coming out if not to get something to eat or drink. Tegan and I made calls so we can at least help Sara out.

After reporting the incident to the management, we immediately got body guards on our doorstep and security roaming the apartment. While waiting for some feds to arrive in the afternoon, Tegan and I stayed at the balcony for some wine and music—She played and I poured drinks and took pictures—a rather familiar scene from the days we used to hang out at her place in Vancouver.

Not long after, Sara then finally went out of her room and joined us, this time she looked rather relaxed.

"you ok?" I asked as she sat down with us.

Sara nodded and smiled as she wrap her arms around a throwpillow.

"to say I'm stil in shock is an understatement." she said. "I still couldn't believe someone's been in my house while I was away."

Tegan then took another glass and poured wine for Sara.

"I just find it really weird" I said. The two looked at me. "I mean. who else has keys to your house? Stacy?" I added as Sara loosened up on her seat.

"That's impossible. she's in California, is she?" asked Tegan as Sara turn to her.

"yes, at least that's what she told me, last time we spoke was what, 2 weeks ago? we'll never know til my landlord shows us footage from the security cameras."

Tegan looked surprised as she hand over the wine glass to Sara.

"2 weeks?!" I asked.

Sara smiled and nodded.

"yeah.. 2 weeks. Have been on the rocks with her since last month" Sara said before taking a sip of her wine.

"I thought you guys worked it out? Why haven't you told me about this?" Tegan asked, as she stood up to sit near Sara.

"There's really nothing I could do if I don't know the reason why she's acting so weird, so I'm just letting her do her thing. But I don't think she'd be in her right mind to fly over here just to try and kill herself in our bath tub. She knows better than to do that."

Sara continued to drink her wine. I was just sitting there, trying to observe their faces and wanting to just rape the shutter button, seeing their priceless reactions, and raw emotions. I just had to jump to it and immediately took consecutive shots of Sara. She then looked directly at my lenses and gave a smile instead of a frown I was expecting.

"you're not getting paid for this, until next Monday, don't forget that" She said jokingly.

I laughed and said "that's fine. You'll never know which one I'll use and, either way you will pay me when you get your artwork"

Tegan stood up and butted in "Oh that's what you think! we're actually tight on budget so we're kinda thinking of getting the artwork for free, if that's okay?" Sara rolled her eyes and shook her head.

I was just sitting there, staring at Tegan and waiting for her to break it and say she's joking.

"shut it tegan. she's kidding, Jo, I know you're a bit gullible, but please dont let this person abuse your talent." Sara said "but regarding the budget, are you able to work for a minimum? can you give us a bit of a discount for this?" she added.

I didn't know what to say; they're starting to freak me out a bit. The 2 were just looking at me waiting for a response, but I was just sitting there with my camera on hand, and just waiting for them to tell me they're being their old mischievous selves.

"for fuck's sake, tell me you're kidding." I said, giving them sharp looks.

Tegan and Sara looked at eachother calmly, "I told you she's gullible" Said Sara.

They laughed together and I just ended taking another photo of them. I shook my head after taking the shot. Tegan then messed my hair up and entered the living room saying "let's have dinner bitches."

We had a small dinner, just a bunch of green stuff and some berry smoothies by Tegan. I'm gonna have to get used to eating healthy food while I live with Sara, definitely not gonna have meat for a long time.

Right after dinner, the inspectors came to look into the apartment. We insisted to stay, however they were very persistent in moving us out while they still try to see who did this, and to secure us, making sure no one wants to put Sara, or Tegan in danger.

We weren't really allowed to take anything with us except for those we came with, so Sara had to leave some of her important items in the house. We we're requested to leave the state and to make sure that we're not being followed around we were escorted on our way out of the apartment. We arrived at an office uptown, and met with a couple of people. I had to stay outside for a while, as they do bit of an important meeting of some sort, and make secured personal calls to family members telling them of what happened, while I'm not allowed to make any calls yet.

Tegan then came out after a couple of minutes and asked me to come inside; And as soon as she closed the door she said right away; "we're flying to LA tonight."

I smiled in response, but she was quite serious so I decided not to say anything. "but don't be too happy about it. It's prolly gonna delay the start of the project, and it's gonna delay paychecks and allowances too. I hope you understand." she said, sounding really apologetic.

"that's totally fine, as long as I'm near home, I'm good, forget about the allowance, I'll be okay at home." I said.

"well.. I'm afraid you need to still stay with us, we need you to work close, and we need you around 24/7" Tegan said, still sounding a little sorry for me.

"oh.." LA and Santa Barbara is about 3-4 hours away, I'd take that than not be able to come home when I want to at all "can I still visit home though?" I asked.

"yeah! of course, you get a few days off and of course during downtimes, you can go home"

"then I'm fine with that!" I said

"and also I wanted to-" Just as Tegan was about to say something, Sara went out as well.

"oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" She asked as she close the door back.

"nah.. any news?" I asked Sara. she just shook her head.

"ok, well.. I do hope they figure it out right away." I said.

"yeah, I hope so too." she said.

Sara then turned to Tegan, "did you tell her?" Tegan nodded.

"aparently she doesn't care about the delayed paycheck, and allowance." They turned and smiled at me.

"I told you she should work for free." Tegan added.

I shook my head and said "don't start" we just laughed it off and came back inside.

"are you guys ready?" a woman came out and asked us.

"we're leaving now?" Asked Tegan. The lady nodded;

Sara and Tegan looked at eachother with a bit of worry.

"when is Lindsey coming back?" I Asked Sara.

The lady looked at me "do we need LB? I mean, we have her." she said.

I frowned and looked at Tegan. "aren't we supposed to actually wait for her at least?" I asked.

"yeah and I never actually got the chance to tell her about this whole situation cause she's on a plane back here." tegan added.

"I'm sorry but your plane leaves in 3 hours, if she doesn't make it back at least an hour from now, we're gonna miss the check in" Tegan scratched her head.

"what time is she supposed to land anyway? can't we just meet her at the airport?" Sara asked Tegan.

"she should have landed now but she's not responding to any of my calls or texts" Tegan just sighed and went for her bags.

"shall we go now?" the lady asked

"yeah." Sara said.

They loaded our bags on the van and we left as soon as we were done. We arrived at the airport in no time and met with Lindsey on the way. Fortunately Lindsey's got a couple of days off so she can come back home with us to LA. They immediately booked her a flight but there were no seats available until tomorrow afternoon, so she had to stay at a hotel for the meantime, with this, Tegan decided to reschedule her flight so she can accompany Lindsey.

I immediately texted Emy through the phone Stacy gave me, regarding what happened to the apartment, and told her we will be coming back in LA; but unfortunately I haven't received a reply.

Sara and I slept through the whole waiting before we board the plane. Everyone else was up while they were waiting, and looking after our stuff. So during the flight, we were the only one wide awake while everyone else was sleeping. We chat, ate, drank wine and played a few card games to keep ourselves busy.

"are you excited to see Stacy?" I asked her as we lie back in recline just looking up at the plane ceiling

"nah. I kinda don't wanted to see her."

I frowned. "Why?" Sara looked at me. I then turned to her.

"I just don't feel like it. I don't know what happened to us. It's like, she's a totally different person now." Sara shook her head.

"i'm sorry. I hope you can still work it out" I said. Sara Looked back up at the ceiling without a word.

"anyway, I missed hanging out with you. Let's go out on our day off." I smiled

"sure" I answered her back.

Calm as I may have sounded answering Sara back with a casual "_sure_", it definitely is not what it looks like. I kinda freaked out and had to go to the restroom to calm my nerves down.

I turned my phone on and immediately sent a text message to Emy again, telling her what Sara just said and asked what it might mean to her when she said "go out". I just wasn't really too comfortable thinking that it was a date, or maybe she's just causally asking me out as a friend.

I don't want to really make it a big deal, but something doesn't seem right, and usually in situations like this, my hunch is right. But it's as if a part me of me wanted this to be a date; the fact that Sara and Stacy are still technically a couple doesn't really make it safe. I mean she started taking Emy out on dates when she was still in a relationship, so it's possible she'll '_stray_' this time.

I let out a sigh and crossed my fingers after I sent the text message, then fixed my hair and calmed myself down as I opened the door. To my surprise, Sara was standing there, holding her tummy and looking rather a bit constipated;

"come on, my bladders gonna explode." I immediately got out of the way and quickly walked towards my seat.

My heart was racing, unexplainably and I couldn't come to calm myself down- so I tried closing my eyes for a nap, but before I know it, in about an hour, we were ready to land.

We arrived at LAX around 5 in the morning; and the moment I set foot on the ground I immediately called Emy using the business phone again, but she was not picking up, I called her again but this time, her phone was unreachable.

"Hey, did Emy ever told you that she changed numbers or exchanged phones with anyone?" I asked Sara.

"no, we actually havent spoken yet, why?" she said as she shake her head.

"I just called her but her phone's not ringing now." I said.

"no voicemail?" Sara asked as she open the door for me as we enter the airport. I just shook my head as I try to dial her up again. After about 5 more attempts, I gave up.

"just email her, she'll read that for sure." I just nodded. "don't be sad now, you'll see Emy soon, okay?" Sara said as she pat my back.

I smiled and just said "okay" I wasn't really sad cause I miss Emy or anything like that, I'm just totally nervous because of what Sara said earlier during the flight, it came out of nowhere, but then we're old friends so I think we can catch up outside the "work" environment, still—maybe it's just me giving it meaning.

After immigration, we immediately filled our carts; I've been dying to take a much needed cigarette break so I hurriedly placed my luggage, but just as Sara and I was about to exit towards the driveway, to our biggest surprise, Stacy came running towards her; crying.

Stacy embraced Sara as soon as she got a hold of her. Sara was looking at me, as if asking to pull Stacy away from her.

"are you okay? I heard about what happened" Stacy asked as she let go of Sara, but she moved away a bit from Stacy.

"I'm okay." Sara said.

Stacy embraced her again I felt the need to just leave them alone so I made a few hand signals, telling her I'm going outside. Sara just shook her head and gave me a look, as if saying not to leave her alone with her Girlfriend.

Sara then carefully pushed Stacy away.

"Stacy, uh.. This is Jo. she's our new art director; she's that friend tegan and I were talking about.." She said, breaking the ice.

Stacy turned to me. "hi, nice to meet you" she said shaking my hands as if she never met me before.

We stood there waiting for someone to talk, and just move on from the awkward scene that Stacy started.

"so, where are you guys staying?" Stacy asked.

I smiled and said, "well, I have a house down at santa barbara, so that's where I'm staying."

I then turned to Sara. She was quiet, and doesn't really know what to say cause their assistant hasn't said anything about accommodation yet.

"well, Tegan's still in New York, so for the mean time I'll be staying with Jo." She said; not only did that got me off guard, but it definitely shocked Stacy; her eyes widened, but she shook it off and forced a smiled.

"well, aren't you going to stay with me?" she asked.

Sara shook her head and just looked down. "no." she said, trying not to catch Stacy's eye.

"okay then. very well, I should get going. call me" Stacy said without looking at any of us. She then slowly walked away. I wanted to run to her and comfort her a bit, but Sara's friend in me decided against it after I recall what Sara told me about her.

Stacy gave me one last look, I then mouthed "I'm sorry". Part of me was sincerely sorry, and another loathes her for being such a bitch towards Sara; but then I can't help but feel bad for her having to drive all this way, worried about Sara and she gets _this _back from her.

Stacy smiled a bit, then turned back, walking away from us; and once Stacy was out of sight, Sara pulled me away.

"seriously, Santa Barbara?! that's like 3 hours from here" she said.

I stared at Sara with disbelief.

"well forgive me I wasn't briefed about this." I said. "And who would've thought she'll come barging in here? That was so weird."

"Right?! Just now when something bad happens, here she comes rushing to the rescue when all those times I needed her she just couldn't care less." Sara said, shaking her head as we walk out of the airport.

"but seriously, you're coming with me?" I asked, still rather surprised by the fact that she's staying with me than Stacy being here at the airport.

Sara just smiled "I don't know. I guess. might as well go on a little vacation."

As we travelled to my house via Uber, Sara had this blank expression on her the whole time, she's been staring out the window, if not down on her shoes or her fingers. I have this feeling that she might be a little upset that she had to decline Stacy like that, but I don't think she had any other choice but to do that after shutting Sara out for 2 weeks.

"you ok?" I asked, nudging her by the elbow.

Sara looked at me and said "I'm sorry, I just… still couldn't figure how in the hell did Stacy found out we were flying in today"

Beats me.

"I had no idea, you tell me. Isn't she part of your 'management' now?" I asked; This girl's got a knack for working with her girlfriends.

Sara nodded. "she is.. but.. someone could have at least told me that they informed her... and you know what's odd? she didn't even call me the moment she found out. and she had to wait for me at the airport just to ask if I was okay."

She was just staring at me, and I could feel how upset she was.

"I don't know, I guess she wanted to make that big gesture?"

Sara sighed as she turn to the window, brushing off my suggestion. "I wanted to just... I don't know. I just want her out of the picture for the mean time, I can't help but be annoyed by her presence after all this shit going on." she added.

I just sat there quietly, not knowing what to say; I sort of feel like Stacy's got a lot on her sleeve, I mean she did tell me the first time I met her not to tell Sara I was introduced to her before I left for New York.

"I know all this is just taking its toll on you right now, I may not have the best advice to give cause I barely know anything about you guys now, but I just want you to know that as a friend, I want to make up for the lost time," I said. "I'm just here if you need me. you don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it, if you just wanna.. you know, get your mind off things… just like the old days." I said.

"thanks. I did miss you after all, so I think you also need to really make it up to me and Tegan for keeping us off your life for that long." she said. I'm glad that sort of lifted her mood.

I scratched my head and gave off a nervous laugh, feeling guilty of shutting them out.

Sara then faced me, and crossed her arms; her eyes narrowing—as if telling me she was about to debrief me.

"Were we bad influences to you?" she asked, grinning but obviously feeling a bit worried for what happened to me.

I shook my head. "of course not. If anything else, you guys were one of the reasons I made it out of college alive; so I kind of… felt like I disappointed you all and instead of making up for it, messed myself up… I just… can't stand to have you guys see me like that, it was embarrassing."

Sara's smile faded, her face going blank once again to the thought of the past.

"and also.. I know, it's been years since the last time Tegan and I talked, but it wasn't until recently that I feel like I can face her again… so… here I am." I said. with Sara just nod in response before sitting back without saying a word.


	3. Nineteen

There's just no place like home; as by the time we reached my house and showed Sara her room, I immediately ran into mine and lied in bed, falling asleep in no time; but it felt like it didn't last long when I was woken up by my phone ringing the next morning. I picked my phone up, and answered the call from an unknown number, my eyes still fighting the sunlight through my window.

"good morning sunshine, I got your email! What's up?" The lady at the other end of the line said;

I sat up, feeling surprised the moment I realized it was Emy.

"What the fuck happened to you?! Why haven't you been answering my calls and texts?!" I said, my shouting completely waking me up.

"I didn't receive anything! I saw your email and that was it." She excused.

As I was about to come back at Emy, Sara came rushing to my room, not bothering to knock—she just went and opened it and peeked inside.

"Jo? What happened? I heard shouting, is everything okay?" She said, coming towards me.

"It's… It's Emy.." I said, pointing to to my phone.

"I'm sorry?" Emy said on the other line.

"It's ugh… It's Sara, she heard me shout at you, she's here with me." I said, as Sara sit on the bed, watching and listening.

"I know! We've been in contact since you slept on her last night apparently you were snoring as early as 8 pm." Emy said.

I looked at Sara, feeling sorry that I didn't take care of her last night like a good host should.

"Shit I'm sorry." I said. I guess all the travelling ruined my body clock; it was a waste time and energy, had I known I would fly back to California in less than 48 hours, I would not have flown out to begin with.

"Anyway I'll be at your house in about an hour. Did Sara tell you yet?" Emy said.

"Tell me what? And what are you doing driving down to Santa Barbara? Aren't you staying in LA?" I asked.

"Well Lenny is in town and he wanted to see us so…"

"Lenny is in town?! How do I not know this?"

"you've been asleep for 19 hours… straight." Sara said.

_Damn it. _

It must have been my anti-depressants; I don't remember taking them, however I saw my pills bottles on the bedside table—so I guess I took them after all.

"yeah… Had you been answering our calls, you would've known." Emy said.

"I'm sorry okay? And also I don't have anything in stock right now, can't we just go out for brunch instead?" I said, remembering that I emptied my fridge before leaving for New York.

"Oh, I… I bought us groceries while you were asleep." Sara said.

I just nodded then;

"oh wait, looks like Sara already shopped for supplies. We'll wait for you. drive safely." I said.

"Oh god, jo, keep it together will you? see you in a bit, Bye!" Emy bid before ending the call.

I exhaled, as if my life depended on releasing the stress like this as I face Sara.

"I am so, so sorry." I said, palming my face.

Sara laughed; "it's okay… it's our fault why your body got messed up like that with all the travelling. Are you feeling any better?" Sara asked.

"yeah… I'm… surprisingly feeling energized despite my eyes failing me right this very minute." I said as my eyes start to feel heavy again.

"Come on, I brewed you some coffee." Sara said, as she leave the bed.

Much as I was embarrassed that I have left her all on her own, I was really surprised and rather flattered, that she just let me sleep while she did all the shopping and even the liberty to make me coffee.

"You just, gave me the keys, told me to open the room right beside yours and that's it. I opened the door, placed my bags inside and when I came back you were asleep." Sara said reminding me what I did last night as we prepare the marinade mix for the barbecue.

"…and did you get to have dinner last night? Damn it, I'm so sorry." I said, still feeling a little embarrassed.

"Well, I was starving but you didn't have anything in the kitchen so I called Emy, gave me restaurant suggestions that deliver with in town, and that's it. I'm an adult don't worry, it wasn't rocket science surviving a deserted house in Santa Barbara."

Shortly after we finished preparing the food we'll be cooking, Emy arrived—much earlier than we expected. I then took the chance to leave her and Sara to chat so I can sort of unwind alone in the backyard; on my bench, with a blanket, a book, a glass of wine and a lit cigarette.

But as I was halfway through the page I picked up from, Emy went out to call me in;

"Lenny's here!" Emy said, before running back inside the house.

I dropped everything and ran inside as well; I can't believe I'm seeing one of my college friends again after so many years of being in Canada.

I quickly went to the living room, and saw Emy hugging it out with Lenny;

"Oh my God what happened to you?!" I exclaimed, walking towards them as I observe Lenny's weight loss.

Lenny and Emy pulled away, as they both face me as I approach them.

I threw myself at Lenny, gave him a quick hug, and just pulled away soon as I realized he was not reciprocating.

"And who is this…. Girl?" He asked, pointing at me.

Emy and I paused, looking at eachother in confusion;

"Oh my God I'm kidding! Come on!" Lenny broke the ice, pulling me in for another hug.

"I missed you Claire!" He said behind my ear.

"Shut it, asshole." I said as we continue to hug.

I missed this; it suddenly felt like 2003 all over again—it was too much for a reunion; Sara, Emy,and Lenny all in one day, and I wouldn't choose any way else to spend a random weekday.

"so why did you take this, bitch in for the job again?" Lenny asked Sara over Lunch.

Sara gave a short laugh and said "well. to be honest she's got a great eye for detail and her works are just astonishing, very technical yet very artistic. We wouldn't trust anyone else"

Lenny frowned. "you just pirated one of my best free-lance artists, I'm gonna blame you for my downfall" Lenny said, recalling how I work for him as an artist for his music's artwork too, despite not having seen him in years, we remained in contact.

We all laughed but Lenny was starting to get a little serious, so we just stopped and went on to eat our food; and then Lenny busted out laughing out of nowhere. I swear to God, food could have flown out of my mouth. My friends are just crazy.

Now just when I thought this was the ultimate roster for this _reunion, _I realized that this won't be complete without Tegan. As soon as Tegan texted me that they have landed, I called them and offered my house to them too.

Lindsey and Tegan arrived just in time to prepare for dinner, so after I showed them their room, I went to the backyard to join Emy and Lenny and help with the grill.

Since Sara was busy with her book, I took the chance to talk to Emy about the voicemails and messages I sent her;

"Like I said I never received any of it. What number were you dialing anyway?" she asked.

I put out the blackberry Stacy gave me then scrolled down the contacts to show her the number. Emy looked at the number and gave off a short laugh.

"you're probably mistaken, that's not mine." I couldn't help but feel my stomach drop.

"are you sure?" I then took my iphone and checked the number Emy used to call me, to see if it's the same. apparently, it's not.

"holy mother." were all I could say.

I borrowed Emy's phone and dialed the number, and to my surprise, it was actually Stacy's "other" number.

All this time, I was updating Stacy. Now it makes sense why she showed up like that at the airport.

"why, what's wrong?" Emy asked.

"It's stacy's number." I said.

"..aaand, what's wrong with that?" she asked.

I then opened my sent items and showed it to Emy; she read it as she wiped her forehead dry from sweating due to the heat of the grill.

"holy shit" she said as she scroll through message by message.

"I even left her a voicemail, for Christ's sake" I said as Emy handed the phone back.

All this time, Sara and I thought someone's fishing information to Stacy, not knowing I was actually giving her the information first hand.

"why the hell were you using that phone for personal messages anyway?" she asked

I looked up at her in embarrassment and said "I was saving on credits".

Emy just shook her head, dropping the thongs she's been holding up this whole time.

"..but why the fuck was this number saved in your name in the first place? She did give me this phone after all. " Emy sat down on the bench as Lenny came up from the pool.

"She had to lend me that number when we left for Paris a month ago cause I didn't applied mine for roaming, I guess one of the crew who owned that phone before you, had it saved in my name. Don't assume such things, I don't think any of it was intentional" She said in her defense.

"Then why did she practically 'begged' me not to tell Sara she met me?" I asked

"well.. they have their issues, Stacy's shutting Sara out, I guess she didn't want an excuse to talk to Sara."

I'm getting weak in embarrassment and all I did was throw myself on the ground and bury my fingers on the grass of my backyard.

"I'm in so much trouble" I said, just lying there, savoring the dirt of the earth.

Emy laughed. "yeah you are."

She then continued grilling the beef, while Lenny sat down on the grass beside me. "So what's up with you and little miss 'goodbye goodbye'?" Lenny asked.

I shot him a furious look, and just sat up as I hit his shoulder. "there's nothing going on okay?"

Emy just darted us a look, laughing. "Gosh I feel so stupid. don't look at me like that" I said.

"you can give it a shot, I mean I can give you tips maybe you can turn her on like I did ." she said.

I shook my head and said "you, my friend have gone crazy."

I know Emy's all cool about that kind of 'exchange', but it just feels awkward to get this kind of blessing from her.

"stick that up your mother fucking self righteous ass. I saw the way you and Sara look at eachother, sparks are flying every-fucking-where" Lenny said, handing over a bottle of beer from the cooler beside him.

"Need any help guys?" We all jerked, upon hearing Sara from the sound of the back door opening.

"were you there all this time?" Lenny asked.

Sara darted him a confused look and just slowly shook her head.

"uh, no I just got out.. why?"

Lenny shook his head, while Emy and I are just looking at eachother in worry.

God please keep Lenny's mouth shut.

"nothing.." and then he went for his beer.

and just as Sara was approaching us, Lindsey came rushing right behind her.

"Jo! Come on in, I want to show you something." She said, holding the back door open.

_Thank You sweet lord Jesus Christ._

I aint even Christian but I'm thanking heavens for Lindsey, taking me out of this situation.

"now what could that be." I said to myself, ignoring Sara as I sprint towards the house.

"What is it?" I asked, curiously wondering what that could be.

"Okay… promise me first, that whetever happens tonight, you're not gonna get mad at me."

_Damn it._

This better not ruin my night.

"Sure… What… what is it?" I said.

Lindsey quickly unlocked her phone, and showed it to me.

"I posted this photo during your first night." Lindsey then opened the comments on our photo on her instagram;

"Read it."

_ Lindseybyrnes: too long old friend, too long. We missed you jojo! :heartemoji: #THEoriginalNEWYORKER_

_ Dannysurfs: NO WAY_

_ LindseyByrnes: Yes way_

_ Dannysurfs: too bad I'm in CA now, are you in NY?_

"So I sent her a dm, and told her we were in NYC the other night, and when Tegan told me all about what was going on, I told Danny we just flew here." Lindsey said.

I got a little nervous, and didn't know exactly how to react to that.

"What happened to you guys?" Lindsey asked as I give back her phone.

"well…" I started, walking with her to the living room.

Tegan then came down the stairs, following us as she saw me and Lindsey.

"Did you tell her about Danny?" Tegan said, joining us to the living room.

"yeah she did…" I said as we settle ourselves down the sofa.

"I'm really not sure what happened to us, she just left me one day and never heard from her since." I said.

Lindsey frowned in shock, her hands almost up on her mouth.

"What the fuck?" she asked.

"you've been with her for what… 3 years?" Tegan asked.

"2 years and 3 months… I moved with her to New York in 2008 and then she left just a year after that."

"was that… was that before your _accident?"_ Tegan asked.

I just nodded, not wanting to open a can of worms.

"I mean there could be a reason why she left, right?" Lindsey said.

"I'd like to think it's my fault." I said. At this point, Tegan and Lindsey looked away, probably knowing what led to the break up. "I mean… let's be honest, it was… the worst time of our… our whole clique if I can call it that. Everything just went downhill. From Teresa starting that scandal, to Sara and Emy breaking up, and I was just torn between my career and wanting to get better from my addiction. Everyone's got their own business to mind"

"I honestly can't remember this person's face, I mean I sort of stalked her profile but I can't seem to recognize her." Tegan said, breaking the ice.

"_recognize who?"_

We all turned to the direction of the voice, seeing Sara. Seriously, why does she always end up popping out in the middle of a conversation like this?

"do you remember Danny? Jo's ex?" Tegan asked.

"Okay, yeah I remember the name but… Was this… was this the girl you moved in with in New York?" Sara asked, sitting down.

"yeah, that's her." Lindsey said, answering for me.

"oh, okay yeah, that puts a face to the name. what about her?" she asked

"well I met her in Florida about 2 years ago; a surfer's magazine featured her and I took the photos for the cover and the story, and she, surprisingly recognized me and we've been following eachother in social media since… and then the other night, I posted a photo of me and Jo together and she commented." Lindsey explained, as Sara listened in carefully.

"apparently they haven't had any closure since Danny literally left Jo." Tegan added.

"so now she's asking me if she could meet Jo again." Lindsey said.

"wait, first of all, I find it problematic that she didn't talk to Jo for so long and now she sees her in social media and can't even reach her herself and had to go through you." Sara said, looking annoyed as she would in situations like this.

"Second of all, Jo, do you even want to talk to her at all after all she did? I mean… I remember clearly how devastated you were when she left, she's practically a stranger to you now." Sara added.

"Well I've gotten her out of my system, and I almost forgot about how much it hurt when she left but…" I paused, thinking to myself that I might have been at fault her too.

"but what?" Sara asked.

"I feel like I also owe it to her if she wanted some closure." I said, trying to think rationally here now.

"why is that? Did you do anything that may have… led her to leave you?" Tegan asked.

I hesitated; but I am here in this situation where my friends are actually ready to listen.

"A year into the relationship, Danny was sober… and she… she relapsed because of me." The room fell silent.

"She always told me, that it takes` a saint, or a martyr to love someone like me. I guess she was right, cause despite her being that big of a douche bag to leave without saying anything, it was probably the best thing she ever did…"

No one spoke; no one dared to question that statement because I'm sure the 3 of them know so well how that was true.

"Linds, you can tell her to come tonight if she wants to join us for dinner." I said.

Lindsey looked rather surprised, but she picked her phone up right away.

"are you sure? I mean… are you ready to see her in such short notice?" She asked.

"yeah, like, maybe you need to process this first?" Tegan added.

"I've done enough processing in the last 5 years I haven't seen everyone, I'm sure I won't easily get on a rage or just break down in front of her. It's not like I loved her like I loved y—" I paused, as I felt like I was giving out too much of myself yet again to the same people that I stayed away from.

"Anyway.." I shook my head.

"I think Emy and Lenny needs help with the dinner, Sara? You said you'll be cooking some stew?" I said, standing up.

"Yeah, right." Sara said, joining me.

"OH shit I need to prepare that salad too." Tegan added, as she stood, and quickly ran to the kitchen.

"I'll catch up with you guys, I'll just call Danny." Lindsey said, navigating through her phone.

"That's probably her." Lindsey said, as the doorbell rang as we set the table.

I felt my stomach drop yet again, and my skin erupt in goose bumps.

I gave one last sigh before walking to the front door, carrying with me a million thoughts, and probably another million scenes of how this night's reunion would go down. I would've never imagined having to deal with this now; but I don't think there's a better time for this but now.

I answered the door, picturing Danny standing there, wearing her usual smile, and flipping her long brunette hair around like she usually does when she's nervous. But I saw this tall tan girl in a blonde pixie, her back facing the door and I just couldn't figure who she was.

_This can't be her._

"Can I help you?" I said.

Upon hearing me, she turned—but she still doesn't look in any way familiar to me.

"Hi jo." she said.

At that point, her voice and her familiar grin—I knew it was Danny.

"Dan?!" I almost tore up in awe "what the fuck happened to you?" I honestly did not recognize her the first time; she buffed up, she's got tan, and she bleached her hair platinum blonde. she looks awfully beautiful, too beautiful.

"Well I missed you too!" Danny said, as I threw myself at her, giving her a friendly embrace before we laughed it off.

"Sorry if I never called you." Danny said, as she pulled away from me, holding both my hands.

Of course Danny joined us for dinner, and surprisingly, we all shared a rather light mood. Lindsey took the liberty to chat Danny up, while Tegan, obviously trying to give Danny a hard time, managed to control her sarcasm. Sara however, was quiet the whole time, only talking when we ask her a question or if she needed to pass a plate.

So after dinner, Danny and I went to my room to talk, over a glass of wine; since this is what she was here for anyway, I'm not gonna waste more of my precious time- I just wanna get this over with.

"so how's everything?" She asked as I sit on my dresser stool.

"so far so good.." I said.

"good to hear.. so I uh.. Assume you're in the "scene" again?" she asked sitting on my bed.

"what do you mean?"

"I mean.. I havent seen you on social media." well that's because I don't have any accounts.

"you know how much I hate that kind of stuff." Kind of ironic for a graphic artist like myself, but Lenny is doing all the promotion for me.

"yeah I figured.. anyway.." she stood again, putting the wineglass on top of my dresser as she approached me.

"I'm really here, first of all, to tell you how sorry I am.. for everything." She said, looking me right in the eye as she held my hands.

"I was.. I was scared for myself. you were engaging in.. too many drugs that your body can handle and.. I just don't want to be part of it anymore."

"Well, I have to be honest I was so mad at you, but I understand why you chose to leave, and I appreciate you telling me. Believe me I've been through worse.. I really didn't care that you just left our apartment without telling me, or without even the slightest idea that you were falling out."

Danny shook her head. "I didn't fall out, Jo."

"then what?"

"I wanted you to change. I thought I was.. the one who can do that.. but I guess.. I was just there to teach you a lesson."

"Danny.. you know why I was doing it." I said. I pursed my lips, and with that Danny knew what I was talking about.

"it's her.. wasn't it?" she asked.

I just nodded.

"I'm not gonna ask what happened between you two after we broke up, cause obviously it didn't work out since she's with someone else now."

I just sighed- and took another sip of my wine. "And I practically avoided everyone in my life just to get away from the shame."

"what do you mean?" she asked, sitting beside me on the stool.

"Didn't Lindsey tell you?"

Danny shook her head. "tell me what?"

"I almost got killed because of my drug abuse, I suffered a stroke after I was gunned down by one of my dealers. I was unconscious for days, it took me longer to recover" She looked stunned. Her jaw dropped and as close as I am to her right this very minute, I can see tears on her eyes.

"Oh my God." she said, covering her lips.

"..and when I woke up I decided not to go back that path anymore. I lived here alone for 3 years now, and didn't see any of them since then." I said, trying to keep it together.

"I'm sorry. " she said again.

"But you know what.. I think if you didn't leave me, and just stuck with me til I get better, none of that would have happened. If you only stayed with me at my worst, then maybe I would have owed you my life." I wanted to blame her for everything, but this is still my doing.

"I didn't want any of that to happen, Jo. You know how much I've fought my demons, and seeing you get hooked like that makes me want to do it again. Let's admit it, it wasn't a healthy relationship at all.. our last few months together were just the worst." Danny said.

"that's true. but you could have at least had the courtesy to tell me you wanted out." I reminded her.

"how was I supposed to do it without you and I getting on a big fight? I don't want to leave you like that." she said.

"oh yeah.. you'd rather leave me clueless." I said, not realizing that I was actually already in tears.

"I'm really sorry." Danny said, holding my hand. "I hope we can still be good friends like we were before."

I looked up at Danny, thinking that I couldn't really care less if she becomes a part of my life again. I'm not mad at her for leaving me- it's just that up to this point, I couldn't help but feel bad about her abandoning me.

"believe me I've been trying to reach you. I tried visiting you back in New York, a few years ago, but none of our friends know where you were." I should understand, I distanced myself from them and kept myself a new group of friends.

"well.. like I said, I haven't hung out with any of them since my accident, so.. I don't blame you." I just looked down on my feet, feeling a little awkward as I tried to get Danny to understand that I still appreciate her effort.

"we can catch up, hang out and be friends again. We're both clean now, and I couldn't think of a better time to reconnect." I said, looking up at hear to ease her worries.

"Thank you, Jo." She said, closing in for an embrace.

"anytime, crink." I said, rubbing her back as I hug her back.

"for fuck's sake stop calling me that." she said, laughing it off a bit.

I couldn't believe I'd take a full 180 degrees tonight after talking to Danny, Sara, Emy and Lenny were quite unconvinced of her good intentions, while Tegan couldn't care less.

Danny didn't stay long, she 's catching a flight back to Florida, where she's now based- teaching teenagers how to surf on one of the surfing schools down there. I promised her we would catch up, but for now, I have to deal with the more important people that I left hanging.

Soon after we finished cleaning the kitchen, my living room became an instant office for us, it was late in the evening and the girls were still up for a face time meeting with Angie, while I take their photos, and Emy discussing some merch ideas with me on the side; but my mini photo op was cut short as Tegan called me over to speak to Angie.

"Hi Angie!" I said as I stand beside Sara, behind Tegan.

"Hello Jo, make sure you pack up early, cause we'll be sending you off to San Francisco tomorrow for 5 days." She said.

"wait, what?" I asked. Now I never expected that.

"we'll start recording in 2 weeks, but you'll have a few side projects too." Said Tegan.

"I'm not going alone am I?" I asked. Sara shook her head and said "no, I'm coming with you." that was a relief, but I still don't know why we're leaving.

"For now we can't tell you why you're going, it's pretty confidential. so make sure that you don't tell anyone you're leaving for San Francisco with Sara." Angie Added.

I just had to nod and not ask any more questions. Though I'm just really confused as fuck, tomorrow can wait.

"so what time are we leaving?" I asked Angie

she looked through her notebook, and said "you should be on the road at 3 in the morning, there will be a valet at your place by 2:45 to LAX, and then a private plane will take you to SanFo.. we have to start travelling privately and off peak for the mean time." All this privacy stuff is just giving me the creeps.

"alright" I said; I pretty much have no choice anyway.

And then out of nowhere, Sara put an arm around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder from behind me. It felt awkward for a moment, I was about to excuse myself as I wet my pants, but I realized she might notice how uneasy, so I just calmed myself down; I just hope didn't feel me tremble.

But just as I cozied up to Sara, Tegan slightly turned to me and rolled her eyes away. I then cleared my throat, and excused myself for the bathroom.


End file.
